Monster Misdeemed
by bury me among the ashes
Summary: Snape reflects on his feeling towards Harry and some of the others at Hogwarts and speaks of how he is misjudged.


Warnings/Notes: I realize these views may not be accurate according to all Rowling has laid out for us in books 1-6, but it is my own theory, and I hope that you enjoy the story all the same! SnapeLilly if you squint.

Snape's POV

There was no touch of a hand to show affection, there was no hope for me when I was lost, such things were never offered to me, perhaps I thought they would be when I sought out the Dark Lord, perhaps it was merely an act of desperation. Pondering to myself doesn't get me anywhere, nor does it significantly help me blow off steam, but it is the only way I can voice my true opinion of that wretched Potter boy. He and I are alike in many ways, and yet he is fallen all over while I am looked down upon. He was never treated properly at home, still, Albus tells me, he is not. I cannot say I wasn't, just that I never chose to see my opportunities. Maybe that is why they think so fondly of him, because he is a hero, because he saved lives, and has been able to stay on the right path and never is swain. If only they truly understood all that I went through, then they wouldn't see me as the bad guy.

Weather or not I really hate the little snot has never been clear to me, and though I'll never convince myself of it, I realize I may be jealous of Potter, another reason I could never bring myself to say any of this aloud. It is true he is a quick learner, as am I, he gets that from Lilly. The shame of it is he only excels in the classes he has enough interest in. He puts forth no effort, he doesn't strive academically as I did, but it doesn't seem to matter. He strives enough elsewhere to make up for his lack of concern for school and his studies, though that ambition and luck will only get him so far before his laziness catches up with him.

He is able to persevere, something I was never able to do, I was lost and couldn't find myself… back then I never even really knew myself…. The cheeky brat is more popular than anyone else in the bloody school because he survived a curse cast by the Dark Lord and yet he doesn't even bother to think about why he survived or how he survived. Whose will for him to live was so great it overpowered the Dark Lord's will for him to die…? I know just the person, for there is only one, and it's not his ghastly father, Lilly however, could've been the reason for the boy's miraculous survival any day.

She always did have a heart of gold, she was so naïve and thought highly of everyone at school, knowing and insisting there was some good in them. It annoyed the hell out of me, how pure and forgiving she truly was, and yet I thank her… I always found her forgiveness when I needed it the most. My detest for Potter does have to do with James somewhat, he is his father's boy through and through, and a true and eternal Gryffindor.

There was never a kind word out of the man's mouth towards me… well maybe never is the wrong word to use in this instance, but he was my reasoning for hating the world around, the world that wouldn't accept me. The very same world and society that has accepted his son fully and me only partially.

I feel no sorrow when I hear that the boy is neglected and starved where he stays for the summer, I don't care nearly enough about him to cry about it. Hardship is a part of living, Minerva has been told this countless times and still she pleads with Albus. "How much hardship do you think is too much for one boy to deal with?" She exclaims, and this ignites my fury all over again.

She doesn't know true hardship, true mental incapability and distress. I can't look down on her for it though, after all, I do not wish her hard times, I do not wish hardship on anyone, not even James, though I spoke otherwise in my youth. Those vile words were said in haste, and in anger, and were empty from the start I never truly meant most of the things I'd shout at him as he belittled me. Lilly could always see that, but James, the person that needed to never could, I often wonder if he would've been nicer to me if he'd have known that. Somehow I don't think so.

I could never understand his logic, or any of the things that ran through his head when he teased me and laughed about it, thinking I wouldn't take it to heart. I have reason to regret all that I said and did to him without thinking it through first, but I don't know if I would truly be able to do things over again differently if given the chance.

No one really believes that I have feelings, no one thinks that I can see beyond what they call "my stupid pride" and get past my anger. They are wrong, they always have been, because they judge me and will never truly know me. I have reason to hold a grudge, but not against Potter, against James, and even still the time has come for me to put what is in the past, in the past. I do not truly hate Potter, perhaps I am jealous of him as I keep thinking to myself, perhaps he just gets under my skin a little. But perhaps, I like him just fine but have been unable to admit it because of my irrational amount of hatred for his father.

I'd never let anyone else know this, and so maybe it is because of my foolish pride that I will forever be misjudged and said to have no true feelings. It may very well be my pride that becomes the reason many will think me inhumane and call me a monster, but I hold so fast to this pride because vain as it seems, it is all that I have.


End file.
